The Best Bad News Ever

I’ve got the best bad news ever for you: No one is watching. No one is paying attention. You are far less important than you think you are.

On an individual, magical, unique level, I believe we are all important and needed and loved and all that warm mushy stuff. However, even so, we all need to be kicked off our high horses for a second and brought back down to reality.

This is for a good cause, promise.

No one is watching. All these things we don’t do because “I might look stupid” or “Someone might think I’m doing something that I’m not,” get out of here. You mean to tell me you’re going to let some stranger’s wrong assumption of your intelligence dictate your own desires?

I pass up pennies on the ground sometimes because I don’t want the person behind me to think I’m a freak. That’s embarassing.

In the gym, when I pick up the 5lb dumbbells, I feel like a wuss and think everyone must be thinking how weak I am. That’s also embarassing. Like anyone is wasting their time calculating how much weight someone else is lifting. No one is paying attention to that.

Once I was taking a heavy bag of trash out and slung it from over my shoulder to the can in front of me and missed the can and it probably looked like I just shotputted my garbage bag. It was hilarious, but I immediately looked around to see if anyone saw. SHOCKER- no one was watching me take out my trash!!!

Ever taken a selfie? Ever taken a snapchat in your car in a parking lot and looked around to see if anyone was watching? Now raise your hand if you’ve ever been personally victimized by someone who saw you take said selfie/snapchat.


Do we really think someone is watching us in our car? And do we also think if we took a snapchat, that person would have any room at all to judge us? Or that it would matter? What’s something they could think that would somehow come through the windshield of our car and affect us in any way?

Who the hell cares if someone is watching?! I’ve seen people pick wedgies in public for Christ’s sake, and I’m 1000% sure those people’s lives are exactly the same regardless of whether or not someone saw them. And it’s probably happened so many times I’ve forgotten. Funny the things we think are big deals that are actually little deals.

No one is watching. No one is paying attention. And you are far less important than you think you are.

It’s the best news ever, because it’s liberating. If no one is watching you, you are free to be and do as you wish. The world is your stage, but there is no audience, so it’s the best performance ever, really. Do you, and quit thinking everyone is watching and judging and paying attention and taking notes on you.

Liberate yourself. Go be.


Emily JordanComment