This week's blog is a throwback to a post from January of 2017, because I felt it was the perfect blog to introduce my latest project. Not only was it originally written and released only weeks before my LAST big project (my website) but it also adequately describes the attitude that has motivated me and inspired me to do things like the thing I'm doing today....
“I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn't begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.” -Elizabeth Gilbert
And that’s exactly what happened. There is “My Life Before I Got Tired of My Bullshit” and there is “My Life After I Got Tired of My Bullshit.” It’s very simple: you’re either tired of it, or you aren’t. You can bitch ’til you’re blue in the face, but if you aren’t changing anything—if you aren't moving even a tiny baby step towards the person you want to be and the life you want to live— all you’ll be is blue in the face and probably lonely. Because people don’t particularly like to listen to someone complain, and they also don’t like when said person is doing nothing to alter his/her state.
You’re either tired of your own bullshit, or you aren’t.
I was tired of my own bullshit.
(And honestly, that’s really the only bullshit we’re even in control of.)
I was tired of waking up sad. I was tired of going to bed unfulfilled. I was tired of my ideas being sticky notes, never making it off my desk and into the world. I was tired of being quiet in order to avoid creating negative energy at dinners with my friends or family holiday gatherings. I was tired of my routine, my lame Saturday nights, and even the arrangement of my living room furniture. I was tired of having no more pictures to print at Walgreens and put on my walls, tired of having no recent fun memories. I was tired of blaming other people, and thus feeling insanely out of control of my own life. I was tired of excuses and cop-outs and bailing on plans and good intentions that counted for nothing as long as they stayed merely intentions.
I was tired. So. Freaking. Tired.
I stayed tired for a long time, until I was even tired of being tired. And I can’t pinpoint one day or one night. I can’t trace it back to one morning where I woke up with an epiphany. It was so many epiphanies. It was all that tiredness weighing down, gradually, but surely. And over weeks and months, I shed layers of my own bullshit and transformed my life.
I started thinking less about the things that didn’t deserve or need to be thought about. I started saying, “Yes” before I could talk myself out of it, and I started making my goals known so my friends could hold me accountable. I quit my job and shed a burden I didn't even know I was carrying until I was free from it, and I ran furiously towards my art and writing and buckled down to turn my sticky-note-lunch-break-ideas into realities.
There would be no excuses this time. There would be no, “But I don’t know how”s or “What will people think about me”s or “I don’t feel like getting dressed”s. I was done. Done. I wiped my hands clean of my own bullshit, armored my heart with my own love, and started down a long road of becoming myself.
And it feels so damn good.
In just a couple weeks, one of my biggest projects to date will be released. One small step for some, but a huge leap of courage and faith for a girl who stood shaking in front of fellow teachers and administrators, daily explaining that yes, I was leaving this comfy, salaried job to be “just” an artist.
So be it. I am an artist. I transformed my own life, and I plan to transform others, too, through my art, my words, my ideas, my lifestyle. I plan to be “just” me—bullshit free.