Two Years Ago...

... I was writing and thinking about much of the same things I'm writing and thinking about now. 

Although so much as changed since 2016, so much of me has remained the same as well. I was flipping through an old notebook the other day and found dozens of writings that still resonate with me deeply. 

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It is really neat to look back and see that although I've struggled with how to be me, I have all the while been very connected to who "me" is and why I'm so passionate about being that person.

Here's a writing from July 22, 2016 that I wanted to share this week:

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It reads:

Why can't we say what we mean and do what we want?
Like "I'm in so in love with you" & "I hate this job"
Like "I'm scared for tomorrow" & "You look lovely today"
Why are we all so afraid of each other?
Why does "no" feel more likely than "yes"
and why is the worst always what we assume?
That our lives will not unfold for us
takes so much painful energy to believe
day after day.
Wouldn't we wake up lighter
if we believed the universe loved us, 
was on our side
wanted us to win?
Instead we live closed and close
so as to avoid the heat but miss out on the warmth.
We would rather know that we are safe, 
but be disconnected and empty
than risk 5 seconds, 5 months, of unfamiliar undefined hang time
between the leap and the satisfactory happiness on the other side.
We can't say what we mean
and do what we want
like "I'm so in love with you"
& "I hate this job"
because we are afraid,
but to be someone who knowingly
lets fear make decisions for her
is dead last on the grand list of
"What To Do Today, Tomorrow, For the Rest of My Life."

So I will close my eyes and swallow hard,
send that text and say those words.
My life will not go on living without me.
I will say what I mean
and do what I want.
My life will not go on living without me

My personal takeaways:

1. How would your life changed if you truly believed the universe was on your side? Not only that nothing & no one was out to sabotage you, but that everything was happening on purpose for you... that even the bad times were opportunities to catapult forward?

2. You can't get warm without heat. We can't feel full unless we risk feeling empty. We can't be free unless we're in prison first. It's just the way life works, everywhere. Does freedom, happiness, peace, joy even exist if their counterparts do not as well? 

3. I don't know about you, but I don't want Fear to be on my consulting committee, because I know him: he almost always wins. I don't intend to let fear ground me or hold me or anchor me, ever. So that means buckling up and doing the hard, scary, awkward things- like saying "I love you" and "I'm scared." 

The entire point of this writing for me was an observation of the inauthenticity of people for fear of being "seen," but also that inauthenticity that creeps into my own life, too, when I'm scared to send that text, make that call, ask that question or approach that person.

"My life will not go on living without me."

Will yours?