Who You Are vs. Who You Want To Be

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I had an enormous epiphany a couple days ago. 

While I’ve been thoroughly enjoying my “new” life lately (new location, new job, new living situation, etc.) I haven’t totally felt myself in quite some time. Months, it seems.

I’ve gone through cycles and seasons of berating myself for not being a certain way, doing a certain thing, living up to a certain set of standards I created for myself.

“You’re not successful.”

“Your art isn’t even that good.”

“You don’t have a huge group of friends.”

“You don’t look like a woman. You look like a plain ole girl.”

Every time I look in the mirror, both literally and metaphorically, I fall short.

And that’s when I had my epiphany. 

What am I falling short of?

To whom am I not measuring up?

I realized that what I’ve done is probably something you’ve done, too, seeing as (in the words of my father) “we’re all more alike than different.”

I have carefully created, crafted and curated a completely external version of myself that I want to be.

Oh, she’s perfect! 

She has much better legs.
She’s effortlessly artistic.
She’s always got plans.
She makes more money than I do.

And she has also robbed me of nearly all the joy of being me.

This fictional person I have created is who I am holding myself up against and comparing myself to daily. This conjuring of my own mind is the reason I feel disappointed in myself sometimes— because I am not ‘her.’

It’s sad (and weird) but I think we all do this. We create this image of the life and person we want to have and be, and then relentlessly compare ourselves to this creation, rather than just being who we are.

My wish this week is to simply be who I already am rather than try to be someone I want to be.